A Billion and One Horrors
by Oblivioneclipse
Summary: Here it is, the retold tale of Mary Sue in the Three Kingdoms. Join our brave narrator as Mei Lin's story is told, for the billionth time. Warning: So historically inacurate you won't believe it. Oneshot, orginally posted on WoM.


This was originally posted on Way of Musou, but I thought it would be a welcome addition to the Dynasty Warriors archive here at FFN. (LOL) Shame, it would have been better with the hilarious pictures that went with it. Ah well, 'tis is life.

* * *

**The Legend of Mei Lin**

_Otherwise known as the retold tale of Mary Sue in the Three Kingdoms…_

* * *

_So historically inaccurate that you want to scream…_

_More annoying than a buzzing mosquito…_

_It's…_

_The classic Mary Sue tale, Dynasty Warriors edition! Beware… and take care… _

_I digress. (Ahem)

* * *

_

There once was a girl, whose beauty put the sun, the moon and all the stars combined, to shame. Her name was Mei Lin. Her large sapphire orbs and strawberry lips enraptured men's hearts and turned heads. Combined with her silky, golden tresses, Mei Lin was a rare jewel of beauty. _(Oh my!)_

Alas, she was the indentured servant of the vile and unfashionable queen Ho Hum. Mei Lin did all the mopping, sweeping, scrubbing, polishing, picking up after, mucking, etc. Her fair, smooth hands were miraculously never stained, shriveled or tainted by all the drudgery. One day, as Mei Lin polished the 10-gallon silver teapot, an even bigger soup tureen dislodged itself from its shelf and struck her on the head.

* * *

Amazingly, she was not concussed. It simply wouldn't do for a Mary Sue to be in that state. I digress again.

* * *

When Mei Lin woke up, she found herself in the most beautiful palace she had ever been in. There, she discovered she was the long lost sister of Sun Shang Xiang, the aunt, thrice removed, of Zhen Ji and the never-before-seen granddaughter of Liu Bei, which is theoretically impossible. The officers of Shu, Wu and Wei were captured by her extraordinary beauty and danced like puppets controlled by a puppeteer. Tales of her beauty spread throughout the three kingdoms, putting even Xi Shi to shame, who was technically, not alive during this era.

Alas, this led to Dong Zhuo wanting her, the vile pervert. When all the generals of Shu, Wu and Wei were on a campaign, Dong Zhuo sent Lu Bu to abduct her.

There, at Dong Zhuo's palace, Mei Lin was forced to dance seductively on his tables by day, and pleasure him at night. Lu Bu abandoned Diao Chan to woe Mei Lin, much to her avail. Somehow, all the men, even the eunuchs of the court, found ways to abuse her body. Unable to escape yet, she pinned her hopes on Wang Yun, her love. _(LMAO For those of you that know your Three Kingdoms history, you'll get what I mean.)_

A month passed by and Mei Lin grew tired of waiting. So when the dusky shades of night made their appearance, she decapitated all the palace guards with her little, blue, leather purse and ran out the gates. Lu Bu stood in her way, but with a thwack of her purse, he lay unconscious at her feet. And did I forget to mention she was a million times stronger that Lu Bu, who couldn't even hold a match to her?

Now a runaway hostage, Mei Lin stopped at a mall and bought a change of clothes. Late at night, when the luminous moon was a crescent sliver, Mei Lin's hair turned violet and magical sparkles lit the meadow. With her newfound magic, Mei Lin ended all the wars and united the three kingdoms under the Jin banner. Unfortunately, Liu Bei was assassinated, leaving the throne to the incapable Liu Shan. That little squirt…

Mei Lin used her magic, once again, to magic Liu Shan off to the wonderful, not-so-faraway land of Egypt, with his squeezable concubines to keep him company. With him out of the way, Mei Lin ascended to the throne, becoming emperess of all China, beloved by all her people _(especially the men)_, with her beloved and aged Wang Yun at her side.

* * *

_Thus ends the historically inaccurate and poorly written story of Mei Lin, the too-horrible-to-believe beauty that, thankfully, never existed, save in the minds of smutty teenage girls.

* * *

_

A/N: Did this MS annoy you? Did you want to tear out her 'silky tresses' and use them as a noose to hang her? Did you know what was going to happen from the beginning? If you answered yes to any of the previous questions, I rest my case. Reviews, please. If I don't get any, I may be forced to introduce Lin Mei, her twin sister… Until the next time!


End file.
